Hurting My Back, Uplifting Rosie O'Donnell, Without Question

[Today's topics: Rosie O' Donnell, Republicans' inability to "Question Authority", and back pain.]

For the past few days I've been standing while writing. You see, I injured my back the other day while doing the Herculean task of lifting a small stone from my yard. So now I stand typing at the keypad of my Mac, letting my back settle into place.

For those of you with back problems, the nagging kind that do not include blown or ruptured disks, I encourage you to do what your body was really made to do: I encourage you to stand. I have found that, even if I am in full blown spasm, if I force myself to walk, I will eventually cease being in spasm. Relief may come at the two mile mark; it might come at the six mile mark, but it always comes. Seriously. The second you know you've hurt your back (assuming you have decent clothes and shoes on), get walking. My experience is the worst thing you can do is sit or lie down, both of which are very tempting. Humans were made to be erect; it is a good position. One walk, of course, will not do the trick; and you just can't keep walking forever. You will need to start a walking regimen if you want to keep things in good shape. When I start cutting my walking or increasing my sitting time, I am destined for trouble.

But I know nothing about any of this. I only know what works for me.

THE END OF THE WORD

Yesterday on "The View", Rosie O'Donnell, that profound professor we all have come to respect for her trenchant insights into, and incisive analysis of all things geo-political, offered us her astute view that "[r]adical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America where we have separation of church and state." And, of course, she is thoroughly right. Radical Christianity is as much a threat as radical Islam. But we are left, not so much with Rosie's View, but our own. Since Rosie does not define for us what radical Christianity is, we can only guess that she means things tautologically, you know, in an "all bachelors are unmarried males" sort of way. Rosie must mean that radical Christianity IS radical Islam; for if, as she says, radical Islam -- which we know -- is as threatening as radical Christianity -- which none of us knows -- then they must be the same thing.

And, indeed, they are. Tour any Catholic church during a high holy feast and you will hear Catholic priests call for jihad against all those outside its folds. Go to any evangelical college and hear professors call for a holy war against all things non-Christian, inciting students to take up arms so as to lop off arms, and heads. Go to any Protestant church and watch Christians huddle together in back rooms, soldering switches to bombs as they strap C-4 to their chests. Watch tonight on "The 700 Club" as Pat Robertson shoots an AK-47 or an AR-14 at a cutout of some unfortunate infidel abortion doctor; watch Billy Graham urge the masses to convert from lives of sin, calling them to work as covert operatives for their personal warrior, Jesus the Christ.

Of course, no one dare point out that Christianity's Christ is a known pacifist; nor should anyone be allowed to remember that God's "final prophet" Muhammad was an absolute warrior with blood on his hands. Not one single Christian disciple (of The Twelve) is known to have once led an attack on a desert city; Muhammad is not known for once raising someone from the grave. He is only known as someone who put people there and then gave the living loads of stern advice on how to avoid the same fate.

One can only imagine that Ms. O'Donnell is convinced that George W. Bush is a radical Christian. Indeed, indeed, Ms. O'Donnell, those nasty Methodists are known for their bellicosity and insatiable lust for blood. Even Bob Jones University, that bastion of pugilistic fundamentalism, is merely renowned for its misguided stand against miscegenation. Odd, though, that it has no reputation for decapitation. But it is, in Rosie's View, as much of a threat as those who cut off human heads on videotape. "Praise be to Thee, Lord Christ" may not be the same as "Allah Akhbar," but it is somehow, in Rosie O'Donnell-fiction-land, "just as" threatening.

What this all means for us here is that the words "threatening", "radical", and "Christian" have finally lost their meaning.

AN ANTHROPOLOGICAL FACT

Yesterday, during a weak moment, I listened for a short while to the ever anemic Mike Barnicle show, a radio talkshow on 96.9 FM in Boston. Barnicle, as some of you know, is that master of sarcasm who lost his Metro section feature column at The Boston Globe because he was accused of reckless misuse of copyright when he failed to give credit to comedian George Carlin after publishing some of his jokes. His talkshow, curiously, strikes me as a cheap derivative of the "Imus in the Morning" show, which immediately precedes Barnicles' own two hours. In fact, Barnicle imitates Imus so often (in my opinion) one is tempted to think his diluted show would be better named "Imus with Water."

Barnicle's guest yesterday was journalist and pundit Martin (Marty) F. Nolan (I think I have this right).

Well, Mr. Nolan pontificated rather broadly, so to speak, even to the point of suggesting that Republicans, by nature, "do not question authority." I presume Mr. Nolan reached this conclusion on the secure fact that Republicans -- in Nolan's world, at least -- generally do not have glued to their cars that notoriously daring bumper sticker, "Question Authority." He averred that Republicans generally do not think for themselves; it is something of an "anthropological fact", something in their wiring, that prevents them from doing anything but conceding to overlords.

Despite the absurdly self-promoting posture of Mr. Nolan; and despite the ludicrous attempt at being scientific, Mr. Nolan's opinion -- as ugly as racism as it is -- is simply not supported by the facts. And the facts are that Republicans despise authority. But it is not that they hate the authority of experts; they accept expertise with a properly sceptical humility. Republicans know enough about certain things to know that they don't know enough about those things; if the President is in the Oval Office with the head of the CIA, Republicans know enough to be convinced that -- if they themselves are absent -- they do not know what was shared, said, or accomplished. And if it is true, as Democrats CONSTANTLY proclaim -- that this is the most secretive administration in the history of the very universe -- then Republicans are even quicker to accept that they are not authorities of all things Bush. But the sort of authority that Republicans do despise is the authority of the mere common man. Republicans know that if you walk up to any war protester holding a sign on any town square, you will be assaulted by an authority unlike any of us has ever seen in the White House. Stop any anti-Bush Democrat in a local pub; read any Democrat's op-ed in the Letters to the Editor pages of your local paper, and you'll see authority dripping from tongue and pen. Nay, you'll see infallibility in every phrase; you'll hear total inerrancy in every word. Democrats are rife with certainty, with authority. Just listen to Howard Dean. The man is certain about everything.

Moreover, the facts are also in the favor of Republicans when it comes to thinking for oneself. Michael Moore, we'll recall, rose up as an authority on the REAL causes of 9/11; he pushed the "chicken hawk" term to the forefront of anti-Bush railings. Democrats followed Mr. Moore en masse, never once questioning the authority of his sources. Paul Begala, the whiny, petulant little fuss-pot who is James Carville's political siamese twin, published a silly little book called, It's STILL The Economy, Stupid! One Democrat I know liked it for its massive citations found at the back of the book. I, of course, had already read the book; would it matter if I pointed out that the citations were nothing more than quotes from newspapers? No, it would not.

Al Gore, who is neither a scientist nor an expert, is jet-setting around the globe to tell us that jet-setting is bad for the atmosphere. However, the entire DNC has hooked its wagon to this rising cloud, and nary a Democrat has risen to challenge Gore's authority on all things climatological. My best friend, a meteorologist whose grad school professors are those guys at the National Hurricane Center, told me recently of a conversation he had with someone touting Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth", Gore's lecture film on global warming. My friend reports that his interlocutor said that he should see the film, especially "since it was not at all political." Of course, if there is a proven anthropogenic source of global warming, it is the loud guffaw such a remark elicited. Not political? Is not Al Gore a politician? Is he NOT trying to influence policy?

Democrats accept as authoritative that the Vietnam War was not a Democratic failure, even though it was the Democrats who escalated that failed conflict. Democrats accept as authoritative that it was their party that freed the country of racism in the 1960s, when in fact it was the Democrats who stood on the floors of Congress and sought to bring down equal rights legislation. Democrats accepted as authoritative that Bill Clinton's sin was merely about sex; they accepted that he was not bombing the HELL out of Iraq or the Balkans as a wag-the-dog distraction. Democrats hear one or two (out of hundreds) of U.S. generals speak against the Bush Plan in Iraq, and they accept those generals' authority as absolute. Democrats hear John Kerry denounce tax cuts for the rich, and they accept his authority without once noting that Kerry and his beloved wife did not -- as Massachusetts law permits -- voluntarily pay their taxes at a higher rate. Democrats accept as authoritative the news that hybrid cars are "better", and they rush out to acquire them without once asking whether Toyota and Honda are using MORE ENERGY to produce those cars and get them to market (neither company is hauling their many orders to market in anything but diesel-powered trucks). Democrats defer to an authority -- like Rosie O' Donnell, Sean Penn, or Tereza Heinz-Kerry -- merely because they are rich (which is the only reason any of us listen to such folks).

But Republicans listen to Al Gore with loads of doubt. Republicans are even sceptical of their leaders; one can see that in countless polls, Republicans are in fact less happy with President Bush than they once were. Apparently, Republicans DO think for themselves. But the one group I bet has not shifted much in the Bush Sucks category is the all-knowing, never questioning Democrats. It's a biological thing, I guess.

Really, let's be plain about this. Democrats knock on your door and tell you with all authority that gun control is a must; you are called a yahoo if you doubt them. Democrats knock on your door and tell you with certainty that oil is bad to burn; they call you a fool if you think it's at present the best choice for fuel (and if you point out that they drove to your house to tell you this). Democrats knock on your door to tell you with all authority that Republican leaders are fascistic fundamentalists trying to scare you to vote for them; and yet they call you a blind follower when you point out that Democrats themselves are trying to scare you into voting against scaremongers. Democrats knock on your door with much conviction about there being no connection between Iraq and terrorism, and you chuckle when you watch them denounce you as a lunatic for pointing out that Osama bin Laden's 1998 fatwa listed America's relations to Iraq as the "best proof" why Americans should be killed and their money stolen. The boys driving big trucks in hillbilly-land are "rednecks" because they reject the authority of The Boston Globe; congressional Republicans are denounced as ingrates for thinking for themselves that a brain injured woman might still have the right to life. You get the picture, and it is a sad one.

Seriously, you are all invited by Democrats to think for yourselves on the one thoughtful condition that your thoughts conform to the thoughts of Democrats. This, I bet, is one anthropological fact Democrats will not question.

Peace.

©Bill Gnade 2006/Contratimes - All Rights Reserved.

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