Bailout Direction #1: To Keep A Ship Afloat, Cut Holes In The Hull

Dear Congress.

Really, it's the thought that counts. Please know that all is well here, still, as we slowly settle towards the bottom of the Mariana Trench. A yawn here, a yawn there, seems to clear up our ears as the pressure changes, but we want you to know that your prescience has saved us from far worse things. It is good to know that Barack Obama told us all that Congress had "no choice" but to pass the bailout package. One can only imagine our difficulties if Congress had had a choice.

The last communication we received looked something like this:



I know that some of the folks down in the boiler room were arguing that if Congress passed a bailout plan, such an action would send a loud and clear signal to the world that the severity of the problem was truly as bad as everyone suspected; panic would soon follow. It seems that the boiler room hacks were probably right, at least today. We'll see though.

Here's some advice: if we reach the bottom of the trench, we think that the best thing for you to do is leave us alone. We already know your rescue plan: bore a whole through the earth and come out beneath us. We think that's probably a bad plan. Especially since we heard that a few Democrats thought that the hole should start at the summit of Mt. Everest; such Democrats seem intent on equalizing everything -- the highs are lows and the lows are highs, though the heights are particularly too high. We have heard this line before, I think: I believe it is known as flatlining.

Anyhow. Thanks again for all your help so far.