[Warning: This post is rated, well, sort of like a PG-13 film. I just thought you should know.]
Those readers who have come to know a bit what we stand for at Contratimes should get a good laugh at some recent web searches that led new visitors to this site. The stat counter I use yields some helpful information about visitors at Contratimes, not least of which is what search string led visitors here. Trust me when I say that the information provided is fairly harmless; I know mostly the times and lengths of visits, the pages viewed, and the entry and departure point on the WWW. I do not know who's been here, or where they live.
Two recent MSN searches that led people directly to Contratimes caused me to raise my eyebrows. The first search, "ejaculating penis photos," concerned me a bit, as I've got nothing so, well, clinical on this site. I do however have an essay where I mention "ejaculation" and "penis". But my inquisitive visitor must have been disappointed: There are no pictures like that here, I can assure you. The other search, "Mardi Gras breastflashing," also scored a hit on an essay I drafted right after the Katrina disaster in New Orleans. Again, no prurient photos or links here, just a few well-intended words.
I am honored to see some eager literary people drop by, even though their searches suggested plagiarism. "Free essay on the Oppression of Women" led one reader directly to my series on that topic, and, while I hope no copyright infringement occurred, I pray that the crime, if it happened, at least resulted in the perpetrator getting a decent grade in his or her class. There have been several searches in that vein, and I truly hope that no one is indeed pushing my stuff onto various professors' desks.
But the best search thus far is this Yahoo search from today: "Women who have a fetish for being an amputee and like to smoke cigarettes during sex." Now that one you can't make up. Click on the link and see that it does list a Contratimes post. Of course, it all just proves one thing: If I stick with blogging long enough, someone, or perhaps some computer search algorithm, will prove that this blog says just about everything. (Of course, now that I've linked a link to this site, have I established an infinite loop? Let's hope so!) By the way, is that not just about the longest search query ever entered?
There is, of course, massive disappointment. Why? Because I see that no one has ever been directed here after searching for that "Handsome bald man with braces who skis wickedly fast and writes the best blog ever". Surely any decent algorithm will take that query and point people here (hopefully only those women people). Of course, now that I've posted that query, some lucky researcher with a "fetish" for that sort of man won't be disappointed.
And here I thought my readers visited solely to read the articles.
Contratimes
©Bill Gnade 2006/Contratimes - All Rights Reserved.
9 comments:
Well, your search strings are certainly more interesting than mine. The most unusual one I ever got was "the nerd family" with "drooling beagles" a close second.
I was reading Kim's blog and came here out of curiosity. You are in NH! My husband is from NH. Manchester to be exact. I call Manchester the armpit of NH. My husband keeps hoping I will have some sort of revelation and want to move to NH, but since I live right next to the Sierras, I doubt that it is likely, short of God proclaiming we should move. Anyways, I noticed you used the term "wicked" too.
Welcome, Kim!
That's too funny, because I was the guy who was searching for that nerdy family with the drooling beagles (I was looking for anything on the web about my family).
Actually, I did not enter that search. But it is pretty funny that your blog got picked.
Now if you search for the "nerdy family that drools on beagles", you will find my family portrait. OK. Maybe not.
Peace to you,
BG
Greetings, Candy In That Really Snowy Place!
Hey, the Sierras are gorgeous, and if you love snow, there's the place to be. But this part of NH is its own little slice of paradise. Manchester, well, that's a different story.
Of course, really good husbands come from there. But my wife wouldn't know: I'm from New Jersey. Which exit? All of 'em.
Peace and mirth, and thanks for coming by!
BG
I lived in Manchester but worked in Antrim for awhile. I spent most of the year I lived in NH exploring. I set out to hike to the top of Mt.Washington with my husband and his daughter, but since his daughter was wearing cleats, I knew we wouldn't get far.
My other funny story. We were at Franconia Notch. We were on the platform above a waterfall at the head of the gorge. We asked a lady to take our picture. She insisted that we stand by the sign for the elevation (all of 1000 ft or so. I glanced at my husband in amusement and he knew that glance well. It was one of derision. After all, the mountain next to my hometown, Reno, is over 10,000 ft high at the summit.
I told my husband that I would consider NH if we could live further north near the White Mountains, or up near Hanover, or near Mt. Monadnock. I hike a lot, so I need mountains.
We don't just have snow here, we have Lake Tahoe. Gorgeous. Yosemite is just four hours away. I live on the edge of the desert and on the edge of alpine forest and craggy granite mountains.
By the way, I loved your story about spider eyes. How amazing!
Well, candyinsierras, you know my neck of the woods better than I know yours. We live in the heart of the Monadnock Region and, if it were not for today's fog, I could see that mountain right now from where I'm sitting (the view is obscured by leaves most of the year).
And I know Antrim very well. What did you do there?
My wife has been to the Sierras many times. She lived in San Francisco and northern California (wine country) for six years, and had connections in the Tahoe area. She was glad to get out of that region though, as she prefers distinct seasons amid the green of New Hampshire forests.
As for elevations, it all is a matter of vertical feet. The Great Plains are way higher than most New Hampshire hills, but they're flat as pancakes. Mt. Washington is a mere 6,000 feet above Hampton Beach, but it is more dangerous than a lot of 10,000 foot climbs in the Rockies. I personally love the mountains (see my pic posted a few days ago atop a peak [9,000 ft] in the Canadian Rockies). But I am more an avid bushwhacker through the forested wilds of yes, even Antrim. Robert Frost may have preferred the path less traveled. But that's the path for poets. I prefer traveling where there are no paths at all.
I am glad you liked my post on Spiders' Eyes. It's one of my faves.
(Of course, my questions and interests are perhaps best answered via email.)
Peace to you,
BG
I worked at a shelter for adolescent girls. The house was right on main street. It was a long drive from Manchester so I transferred my work to a adolescent boys shelter in Manchester.
Candyinsierras,
The Antrim Girls' Shelter. I know it well. You might like to know that it is currently undergoing a beautiful and massive restoration and expansion. Unfortunately for those with long commutes from Manchester, the commute is but a few feet shorter.
Peace to you, you Calvin and Hobbes fan,
BG
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